I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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