Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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