New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
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