My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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