my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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