I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
