Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
