I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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