chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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