I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
My sheets look like a crime scene.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
