i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I want a musical about memes.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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