Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
