if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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