if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
