Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
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the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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