Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
