I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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