if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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