He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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