i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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