My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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