i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
