Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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