I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
