please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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