The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
