He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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