gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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