I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
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