Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
