you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
