bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I have aggressive nipples.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
