Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Randomize
