Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
Your message has been received by an unknown user. Picture verification required.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize