So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I want to be your penis for a week.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
It's shark week go big or go home
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
