am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
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