I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
