Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
We left the knife in your bed.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
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