I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
