You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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