Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
is that a dick in a sweater?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
