living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
