Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I accidentally burped into my bong.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
