I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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