Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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