I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
