Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
