i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
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