When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
