my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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