Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
