Pants 0. Shit 1.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Randomize
