So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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