Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
