That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Randomize
